By Oreva Godwin
This is one sensitive topic that has affected a lot of people, both married and single. A lot of married people are facing this presently in their marriages. The singles have faced this in their past relationships and in their present relationships.
What makes someone feel rejected after sex? A lot of people feel that sex creates a relationship. Once you have sex, automatically, a relationship has started. Sex is not a foundation for a relationship. If you’re a sexually active person, you should learn to have sex, if you must, because you’re sexually attracted to the person without creating an illusion of a relationship. If you want to have a relationship, openly tell the person you want a relationship and not a fling. Define whatever you’re getting yourself into. High expectations can cause you to have that sense of rejection after sex, worse when the person in question is not ready for a committed relationship.
Bad sex can also give you that sense of rejection after sex. When we talk about bad sex, we talk about quick ejaculation, dryness on the woman’s side, oral sex gone wrong, and poor hygiene from both gender. Men should learn to wash up and bathe before sex, concentrate more on washing your scrotum, and the perineum with soap and water regularly and before intercourse.
For ladies, after a very stressful day, and you’re in a man’s house, take yourself to the restroom and clean up. Shower before climbing the bed. That sweat, not cleaning properly after urinating, and the heat down there may produce a fowl smell and put your partner off the mood. It is worse when the air conditioning is on, as it can trap that sweaty hot smell and turn off your partner. Wear a body cologne after bathing.
A man shared his story. He had been married for three years. During this period, his wife never confessed to enjoying sex with him. She was always silent about how she felt. But each time the sex didn’t go well, she came after him with anger, asking; “Who are you doing it with that you can’t stay long with me? Who are you giving your energy to? Of course, no sleep that night
The man said it was embarrassing to him and that he had the impression that the wife would one day cheat, and the fault would be his.
He said the experience with his wife was already affecting his ego. He said: “I don’t get credit when I hit the target but get all the flaks when the target is missed. She’s killing my ego and making me look useless in the bedroom”. This is one example of a bruised ego, the aftermath of after sex rejection.
Lack of intelligence can trigger a sense of rejection after sex. Sometimes, one can be in the sexual moment and suddenly, before or during intercourse have a change of heart. As a result of low self-esteem and lack of intelligence, one might feel rejected. You get the feeling you’re the problem, not realising the sexual moment may have triggered flashbacks of a horrible rape moment. At that stage, all your partner wants is for you to hold them and make them feel loved, rather than you feeling rejected and unloved.
Your fetish and fantasies may irritate your partner and make you have that sense of rejection after sexual intercourse. Some fetishes and fantasies look diabolical.
As someone who loves to research a lot, I saw a hidden fetish group whose fetish is to suck a woman when she is on her flow. More like a vampire parade. Doesn’t it sound diabolical? It sure does, but that’s their fetish, and some women let them go down on them during their flow.
Now imagine attempting such on a typical African woman. You’re sure to be rejected. Your gist would be all over the town. So mind who you expose your fetish and fantasies to.
Lack of romance, care, and show of kindness after sex can give that sense of rejection. Most people feel that after sex couples should cuddle, kiss, talk, and play. Once they don’t get these after sex, they feel unloved and feel they may not have satisfied their partner. So, learn to make your partner feel loved, most especially after sex.
Lack of reassurance can also trigger feelings of rejection. Most people want to hear that you enjoyed your time with them. They want that reassurance that it was the best sex they ever had. They want to hear that you love their body and enjoyed worshipping their body.
Amanda met Dayo at a restaurant. Amanda, all dressed and classy, ordered for a turkey, and when it arrived, she exclaimed: “10k for this tiny turkey?. The turkey na model?” Daya burst into laughter. That’s when Amanda realised she was loud and felt very embarrassed.
Dayo had to leave his seat and sat with Amanda, and made an introduction. They got acquainted and exchanged contacts. Dayo called Amanda almost every morning to check up on her and catch up on her activities for the day. Amanda liked Dayo and even felt he might be the one. Dayo, on the other hand, felt Amanda would be a good lay. Oh, the irony.
Dayo took Amanda on a date and was a complete gentleman. He was a man straight out of a romantic movie. Five days later, he took her to his home and had a romantic dinner all set up. Who wouldn’t love a man who can cook?
After dinner, they decided to watch Netflix and chill. Dayo, being the bad boy, made his coded sexual moves, and Amanda fell for it. Sex was great, and to Amanda, it was a sealed relationship. To Dayo, it was just a good lay that will lead to more lays.
After the sex, Dayo stopped calling the way he used to call her, and Amanda became a naggy woman and nagged every day, which irritated Dayo. But what made the whole experience worse was when Amanda said; “I’m your woman, why don’t you give me attention?” Dayo was livid. He clearly told her that never for once did he talk about loving her or asking her to be his girlfriend. He completely cut her off. And Amanda felt used by Dayo.
As a woman, you’re not too forward by asking a man clearly what he wants from you, if it’s love or just lust. Yes, most men pretend that it’s love. Meanwhile, they know it’s lust. Still you must ask and leave them to karma.
Onome was a 21-year-old, full of life, and then it happened. She was ganged raped, robbed and wounded by strangers. She was lucky to see a good samarritan who took her to the hospital. Healing was a big deal to her. She developed fear for men and had to go through self-therapy to heal.
After months, she felt she was completely healed and felt she could stomach a man’s touch after being able to now hug and kiss a man. Little did she know that healing comes in stages.
She met Ejiro, and they got pretty close and decided to commit to a relationship. After the romance and all, Onome felt herself responding to his touch. But when Ejiro finally penetrated, it was a raw ordeal. Ejiro, used to rough sex, lacked the knowledge that Onome was still healing from a trauma. He mildly strangled her, and then it happened. It triggered her trauma and flashbacks to the rape scene. The picture that played out was exactly what one of the rapists did to her. She started shaking and started pushing Ejiro to stop and ran to the bathroom and turned on the shower.
Ejiro was confused. This scene triggered his own insecurity. He felt Onome was irritated by him and resented him enough to throw up. When Onome came back to bed, she expected that love and pamper from Ejiro, but she got nothing. They slept in opposite directions, replaying what happened and felt rejected. A simple conversation would have saved them from hurting themselves with such rejection.
Kunle was one of the biggest boys in Abuja, a baller, and wanted to mingle. He chatted up his pimp to arrange a damsel for him for the night. They met and meh, she ate. Tall, slim and sexy. She saw the guy pull up the driveway with the latest Range Rover sport, and she felt she met the real cash master.
He bought her dinner and they got home. Coitus that night was great. The next morning, she woke up and tried to have a conversation with Kunle, but he was put off by her stinking bad breath breath. The guy wanted to have “one for the road,” and then it happened. Coitus was fun at the beginning, after having to ignore her bad breath, then he turned her over to do the doggy style, and then the smell that came out from her anal was unbearable for him. He almost threw up. He withdrew and told her to dress up. They drove in silence, and that’s the end of it. They never met again, and she felt rejected by Kunle, but couldn’t ask what made him treat her that way.
Dont forget that, prior to that night. Kunle bought her dinner, and she ate but did not brush before going to bed. She woke up and lacked the knowledge that she should have at least drank water, which would have helped her breath a bit. She excreted that morning but used tissue and not water and soap to wash up.
Can we learn the act of good hygiene?. After excreting, make sure to use a scented soap and wash your anal. Stop being the cause of your own after sex rejection.
As a lady who loves to be worshipped down there, learn to take fruits like pineapples, watermelon, etc. And take Greek yoghurt too. Not too much if your lactose is intolerant. These fruits and yoghurt help your privates taste and smell good, which will make your partner enjoy going down there. But most ladies want their husbands or sex partners to go down there after eating suya with raw onions and food that contains garlic before sex. Like seriously? You don’t know what you eat affects the smell and taste of down there?
Imagine during coitus, your man goes down there to worship you, and he is welcomed by an onions smelling private or garlic smell. Will he not be turned off? He will, and how will you feel if you notice he frowns and gives you a displeased look? Won’t you feel bad? This can be prevented by doing the right thing.
Sex rejection is not the end of the world. Sometimes, asking questions is important. So you can learn and be better in bed. But be ready to stomach the response. Learn not to create too many fantasies and expectations around first time sex. It might break you. And I will advise, just move on, when it happens. Don’t be hard on yourself. After sex they may not call you. Yet, you see them online posting stuff. You don’t need to call back. Sometimes you’re not the problem. The sex may have been great, but it’s them that have the problem and not you. It’s just a one-off sex for them, and that’s fine.
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