By Swill Mavua
The stage is set for a hilarious banter between two of Nigeria’s most prominent politicians, today, Bola Tinubu and Peter Obi. Let’s imagine a scenario where these two personalities engage in a lighthearted and humorous exchange, each poking fun at the other’s quirks and characteristics.
The setting is a popular Nigerian comedy show, and the host is introducing the guests. Tinubu, resplendent in his signature attire, walks in with a confident swagger, while Obi, dressed in his characteristic simplicity, enters with a warm smile.
Host: Welcome, gentlemen! Let’s get started. Jagaban sir, I’ve heard you’re so good at winning elections, you’ve got a PhD in rigging. Is that true?
Tinubu: (laughing) Ah, that’s just a rumour! I’m a master of democratic excellence and a strategist par excellence, not rigging. (smirking) Although, I do have a few honorary degrees from the University of Lagos… in political survival; like grab, snatch and run away with it.
Obi: (grinning) Oh, I see, just as you grabbed, snatched but now finding it difficult to run away with the 2023 election.. Well, Jagabn, I’ve got a certificate in thriftiness from the University of Nigeria, and it’s served me well. (holding up an imaginary certificate) I can stretch a naira like nobody’s business.
Tinubu: (chuckling) Ah, my friend, Peter, you’re so frugal, you’re practically a Nigerian version of Scrooge McDuck. (laughing) But hey, at least you’re consistent – always wearing those same few shirts, and stingy as you don’t give shishi.
Obi: (laughing) Consistency is key, Jagaban! And at least my followers, the Obidients, aren’t known for their love of fancy suits and sunglasses at midnight. (winking at the audience) They’re more like the “let’s-save-Nigeria” type. The task that you’re presently supposed to be engaged in.
Tinubu: (smiling) Oh, that’s rich coming from you, Peter! The Obidients may be idealistic, but my Agbadoists know how to party! (laughing) They’re the life of the party – even if the party’s in the middle of a recession.
Obi: (laughing) Well, Jagaban, I think our followers are more focused on the future than on partying through the hard times. But hey, at least my supporters don’t need a “Tinubu translator” to understand what they’re saying. (smirking) They just need to Google “Tinubu’s latest cryptic statement.”
Tinubu: (roaring with laughter) Oh, Peter, you’re on fire! But I think my supporters appreciate a good cryptic message every now and then. (smiling) It’s like a puzzle – and they love solving puzzles.
Obi: Truly? Like the puzzle of having a daughter who’s my age mate – even a year older at 65, yet, you are just 74 as the records have it.
Tinubu: I’m Jagaban of Africa. There’s nothing impossible for me to achieve; like having my first child at 9, attending a secondary school before it was established, and never having a known origin or known educational background or source of wealth.
Obi: Jagaban, I would honestly state with due respect that those antecedents are no mark of invisibility, but stand you for what you are: “a man of fraudulent background, who shouldn’t be entrusted with the highest public office in the land.,”
Host cuts in….
As the banter comes to a close, it’s clear that both Tinubu and Obi have brought their A-game. The lighthearted exchange has poked fun at their quirks and characteristics, but in a playful and humorous way. In the end, it’s all about who can make the audience laugh the most.
In this imaginary banter, we see the two leaders engaging in a fun and lighthearted exchange, each showcasing their unique personality and style. The banter is a refreshing take on the usual seriousness of politics, and it’s a great way to bring some humour and levity to the political discourse.
- The straight talk
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