By Oreva Godwin
I often hear sermons where men of God boldly declare that infidelity is the only biblical ground for divorce. And I always ask myself: seriously? Shouldn’t domestic violence be the number one ground for divorce? Because if infidelity breaks trust, domestic violence destroys life.
I’m not a violent person, but permit me to bring out this side of me. I have watched how domestic violence has destroyed lives, wrecked mental health, disfigured bodies, and led many to their graves.
If I were a pastor, I would be a radical pastor. Yes, radical for Jesus. If any member came to me complaining of abuse, I would not tell them to fast and pray. I would arrange men or women (depending on the gender of the abuser), pick the abuser up, discipline them (not beat), but discipline, because the church is not a place of violence but of correction.
After discipline, we would pray for the person, so that the Holy Spirit helps them control their hands. Maybe that is why God didn’t call me to lead a church, otherwise the name of my church would be “The Place of Discipline”.
But let’s be honest, domestic violence is a big NO. Nobody deserves it, whether man or woman. Yes, men also suffer abuse, but pride and shame often keep them silent.
So I ask: how will you tell a woman being beaten black and blue to “pray for her husband”? How long will she fast? Until she dies? And then the same church will turn round, organize her funeral, and say “God knows best”. Na who do us this thing?
The popular saying “God cannot give you a battle you cannot win” is a lie many churches use to make people endure evil. The truth is this: God will not do for humans what humans should do for themselves.
Was domestic violence rampant in the Bible?
Not really. In those days, the fear of God was real. Structures were in place: the law, the prophets and the kings, that made Israelites respect God, the community, and authority. Today, money covers the eyes of church leaders. Respect for the church is gone. People misbehave without fear, even within marriages.
I remember watching my friend let her man beat her constantly. I remember how I encouraged her to leave and move on, but before I knew it, she was back to the relationship. I went to the police station, got him arrested. Only for her to drop the case and go back to him. I watched how he constantly gaslighted her and damaged her completely.
Carol and Peter courted briefly. They got married and marriage was blissful. One day Peter came back home a different man. He just lost his job. He was bitter and in pain. He transferred his anger on his family. Constantly beat up the kids for any perceived mistakes. Gradually, it got to his wife. He beats her up for any slight arguments.
Carol had to literally use makeup to cover her bruises, till it got to the point she was rushed to the hospital. It came to her pastor’s notice through the women’s leader who went to visit her and saw all the bruises on her.
The pastor counselled them. Encouraging her to pray that things will change. The man of God suggested that the devil was attacking her home. It seemed that peace could be achieved with prayers by the pastor.
Few weeks later, she got the worst beating of her life and threatened to leave. Again, the pastor came and encouraged her to stay. He said that it was a sin to divorce. That God was in control. That God gives his best warriors battles because they have it in them to win. Pray my daughter.
She stayed back. A year later, she came back from church and was tired. She took her clothes to go iron them in preparation for work the next day. Her husband demanded she prepared food for him. She told him “okay”, but was still pressing her clothes. Out of anger the man slapped her, cursing her that “it’s because you have a job that’s why you are undermining my authority.”
Carol angrily slapped him back for the first time and hell let lose. He slapped and pushed her and she fell and hit her head on the stool and gave up the ghost. Peter rushed her to the hospital where she was confirmed dead on arrival. The same church and pastor held her burial ceremony.
Kennedy was married for 5 years and marriage had been a living hell. His inlaws lived with them. His home was toxic. His wife slapped him severally infront of his inlaws and they said nothing. They often took sides with his wife.
He felt so alone and unloved. Coming home was an internal struggle. His friends noticed how he loved late night outings and saw him as an irresponsible man. He was too ashamed to tell them that his wife abused him and that his home had become unbearable to live in.
One day Kennedy hosted his friends at his home and his wife just walked in and slapped him in front of his friends. His said offence? He replied to a comment on Facebook, “thanks dear.” His friends were in shock. While Kennedy was in shame.
Emore, a titled chief had his daughter brought a man home, saying he was the man of her dreams. His supposed inlaw looked presentable. So he approved. The marriage was an elaborate one. People travelled from far and near to attend the marriage. A good fortune was spent on the marriage.
After the ceremony, the couple left for their hotel. An hour later, Chief Emore got a call from his daughter. She was in tears. She said her husband slapped her. Chief Emore dressed up, drove to the hotel, took his daughter and her luggage and took her home. The next morning, he called his inlaws and returned the bride price. Thereafter, he sent his daughter abroad to go cool off. He refused for his only child to die in the hands of a male chauvinist. Of course, no church would change his resolve.
Pastor Tony counsels couples, but can’t counsel his home. His home was toxic. He is opposed to divorce. His home was worse than those he counselled. He and his wife verbally abused each other. From there it got to being physical with each other.
Each time he preached, his wife gave him a side eye. Once he got home, the wife called him a hypocrite. Tony was tired of the marriage, but how could he face the church? Divorce for the church is wrong, except on the grounds of infidelity. So he was stuck. He had checked her phone, followed her every movement and came to the realisation that she was faithful. “Though her character is horrible, her faithfulness is perfect”, he bemused..
He endured this toxicity for 6 years, until one day they were at it again. Fighting and out of mistake, his wife slipped. Unknown to her the floor on the staircase was wet. She fell and broke her head. She bled profusely. They rushed her to the hospital a few minutes later where she gave up the ghost.
It was a hot sensation. “Pastor murdered his wife!” It was scandalous. It was considered a shame to the church and to the body of Christ.
What Does the Bible Really Say? 1 Corinthians 6:19: Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. So nobody has the right to destroy it”.
Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church”. Christ did not abuse His church.
Psalm 11:5: The Lord hates the one who loves violence. Malachi 2:16: “God hates divorce”, yes, but He also hates injustice and wickedness within marriage.
So the same Bible pastors quote against divorce also condemns violence. Why then do we protect abusers and bury the abused?
It is high time the church became realistic. Stop using prayer and fasting as medicine for abuse. Stop counseling people until they end up in coffins. Domestic violence should be recognized as a valid ground for divorce.
Protect the living. Do not just bury the dead.
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