By Oreva Godwin
Marriage, they say, is a beautiful thing. It can make you or destroy you. Our African orientation about marriage has made us prepared for marriage at a young age. But are we truly prepared for marriage?
Our parents present marriage as solution to everything. They paint the beauty of marriage even when they have stayed together for 30 years unhappy. They pressure their children to get married fast. No typical African parent is willing to tell their children the ugly side of marriage. In their head, it’s better you go and see for yourself.
A lot of our parents fell out of love. They practically stayed together like roommates in their homes. But the innocent children misinterpreted it to mean that they have strict parents that do not show affection. The children feel they show affection in the bedroom. Little did they know that their parents lived together because of society and the children.
When have parents ever sat their children down to give them the real orientation about marriage? All We hear is “as a woman, you have to listen to your husband, obey him, cook, clean, and do not bring shame to the family”. And to the sons, it’s “Take care of your wife. You are the head of the family. Be a man and provide for your family and earn respect from your wife.”
But when will they tell their sons the ugly side about marriage? Tell them to marry their best friend? Tell them to create friendship before the relationship as this is the main foundation to a successful marriage? Tell them to marry who they enjoy having sex with and who makes them happy, and not concentrate more on looking for a naive or mainly church girl as the best choice for a wife?When have parents had the time to tell them that even the devil can be found in the church?
Do the children know that age is not the main barrier or determinant for having preference in marriage? Neither is the tribe a prerequisite for a successful marriage? Who will tell our children that a woman suffering at home and an overly domesticated woman is not proof that she loves you and will make a good wife? Don’t forget that some women naturally enjoy suffering. They are not suffering and overdoing the domestic work because they love you, but just because they are used to hard life and can do it for any man just to impress them. They feel that’s their strength, and that’s all they have to offer in a relationship.
Can parents be realistic and tell their daughters the ugly truth? That they might be cheated on? And they will be hurt? That sometimes they may be pushed to go through their husbands phones and become undercover agents just because of trust issues and cheating Scandals? When should we tell them that they might fall out of love, because of their husbands endless cheating Scandals and behaviour at home? Do they know that some day, their husbands touch might irritate them, and they might not feel anything in the course of making love to their husbands?
In so many marriages, women use the children as their only consolation and source of happiness. Just because no one informed them to marry the one their heart is at peace with and not rush into marriage because time is going away. Tell them that treating sexually transmitted diseases
STIs while courting a man will become worse in marriage.
Many of our daughters don’t know that they should never forget themselves in marriage and that they are not sold as commodities in marriage. How many of them know that despite being handed over to their husbands that they still have the backing of their family? Have we told our hardworking daughters that once they choose that so called ideal man and relocate to his crib, that they should never drop their dreams and career to become glorified house wives?
All a mother tells her children is “give me grandchildren. Time is going, be like your mates, my friends are laughing at me saying I have beautiful daughters and well to do sons, when will they marry?
“You are waiting for love? Choose anybody and marry. You people will learn how to love each other in marriage. After all, I never loved your dad when I met him, but I learnt to love him in marriage.”
That’s all we get from typical African parents. They have pushed many into marriages they are regretting till today. People look older than their age, not because of lack of money, but because of lack of happiness and peace. That time they were running from caught up with them suddenly.
Mark was dating Anita, a beautiful rough girl. She had a whole lot of tattoos, funky lifestyle, friendly, and meh, coitus with her was always a blast. Anita was Mark’s support system, and she saw a husband in him. As for Mark? Hmmm. After two years of relationship, Mark felt he was ready to settle down because of the pressure at home.
But Anita was out of the equation. If he dared take her to his family, his mom would die. Anita was a Yoruba lady and Mark, an Anambra man, a core igbo man and his family, tribalistic.
So he made up irrelevant drama and ended things with Anita. His friends were angry with him. But what did he tell them? “Sex was good, but las las, you don’t end up marrying your best sex,” and trust the boys, they laughed. Oh, the irony, you dump an expert, and marry a novice and then cheat on the novice with an expert, right? Now, back to the story.
One day, Mark was invited to a church program, and the choir lead singer caught his attention, and he became a member just to slay her. After asking questions about her and all responses were positive, he approached her and made an introduction.
Our lead singer is from Anambra State, and her name is Ada. Mark was so happy. Three months of relationship, and they were married. Little did he know that he just signed up for World War III. Nuclear weapons were set on their way back from the marriage.
Marriage was cool for a few weeks, and after that? Ada brought hell to earth. She tried to separate Mark from his family, told his sisters never to visit without her permission, that they don’t answer to her husband, but to her.
Next thing Ada did was bring her family to stay with her, but Mark’s family? Never. She policed Mark and falsely accused him of cheating, which resulted in Ada slapping and biting him. Mark, being a gentleman, just walked out of the house. The day the cleaners did not come to clean, the house will be dirty and stink, and Ada and her family never cared to clean up.
Mark practically lived in his office. Filled with deep regrets. He remembered Anita, his true peace and joy. He soloquised “if only I was bold enough to present her to my family and stood my grounds that she was my wife. If I had overlooked her tattoos, and acted foolishly, thinking a godly looking woman would make a better wife, I won’t have been in this hell.” He constantly had flashbacks of his moments with Anita. A sad reality for him.
Nana is a beautiful lady. But she has never been lucky with men. She’s never been fortunate to meet a man who would love her and provide for her. Only married men came her way. She went to a church for prayers, and her prophet told her that a man was coming and would not waste her time. It’s marriage within a few months.
Nana was excited and believed. She travelled to Kumasi, and there she met Dayo, who flew in to Ghana from Nigeria for a business meeting. They connected, and she felt that the prophecy was manifesting. Little did she know that before God sends his own, the devil will advertise his own too.
In a few months, as prophesied, they got married, and she relocated to Nigeria. There, she was welcomed by the new breeze of hell. Hell was in the air, but she lost her sense of smell. As soon as she got to Nigeria he bought her a new phone and a new sim card. He let her have only phone numbers of family numbers from the old phone. He then seized her old phone and sim. She had to learn Yoruba meals to please her husband.
Nana found out she married a dictator and not a companion. He constantly policed her and made her life miserable. When she tried to stand her grounds, he beat her up. Dayo was a true male chauvinist. Nana had four miscarriages due to his assaults. She had no money and had no friend in Nigeria. Two years of hell.
One day, she determined to run away. She met a young man who saw her on her way to the market. He looked rich and capable. She opened up to him and shared her ordeal. They planned to meet at the same spot the next day. She refused exchanging number, but got his card.
The next day, they met and made plans for her escape. One morning, when Dayo left, she broke into his office space in the house and searched for her passport and phone. Took them and ran. In exchange for her freedom, she had to mess herself up by sleeping with this young man. For as long as she could escape to her country. The young man gave her money and booked her flight back to Ghana. She returned empty, damaged, and broken.
Who can remember the novel “The gods are not to blame?” From the novel, were the gods truly to blame? No. It was the king’s choice that made the prophecy come out so negatively. That’s the same thing with Nana. Is the prophet to blame? No, Nana used the prophecy to choose her husband and did not study who she is saying I do to. Forgettng that her true husband might have been on the way. But the devil brought her doom before God could send his.
Parents, educate your children. Tell them the truth. Be real to your children. Stop hiding the ugly side of marriage. Stop instilling tribalism in the heart of your children. It’s not the tribe that’s the problem, It’s the person. Your tribe is no better than the other. Save your children from walking to their doom.
Leave a Reply